Am I Lazy or Is This ADHD?
I asked myself this so many times. Growing up when I’d drop the ball on something again, people thought I was inconsiderate, or lazy. I grew to hate the word lazy. It really hurts. I never meant to do any of the things that happened. My mom had my hearing checked as a kid because I’d ask “what?” after she’d say something all the time. Or when I’d forget about another school assignment and my mom thinks I was lying to get out of doing the assignment but I genuinely forgot I had one! My brain sabotaged my efforts left and right. So not only did I look lazy, dishonest, and inconsiderate, I thought I might be down right stupid. But then again, I was smart about somethings. Things I was highly intersted in. For 30 years of my life I didn’t know what this meant. I’m so grateful I found out.
First things first: I am not a doctor. If you find the content in this article relatable, please seek a professional diagnosis from your healthcare provider. From what I understand from my doctor, everyone experiences these things from time to time. People like me with ADHD will experience it daily or nearly daily. Understanding whether you’re experiencing symptoms of ADHD can be life-changing and provide clarity on why certain tasks feel so challenging. Even if you don’t have ADHD maybe this can help you on days you struggle with these things.
As a mom, you’re juggling countless responsibilities—childcare, household tasks, work, and everything in between. If you’ve found that managing these responsibilities has become increasingly overwhelming, and you’re questioning if it’s more than just feeling frazzled, you might be experiencing symptoms of ADHD. Many women, especially moms, aren’t diagnosed until adulthood, often because their symptoms were manageable until the added pressures of motherhood made them more pronounced. Now when you don’t get things done, you think “my mom was right! I am lazy!” This is not a good road to go down. Maybe there’s more you can learn about yourself before you dig at your self esteem. So here are some of the symptoms of ADHD that specifically affect women typically that I didn’t know about until I was diagnosed and researched it more.
Executive Dysfunction
Executive dysfunction refers to difficulties in planning, organizing, and executing tasks. As a mom with ADHD, this might look like a perpetually messy house despite your best efforts, or a long list of unfinished projects. Simple tasks can feel insurmountable due to the overwhelming nature of breaking them down and following through, especially with little ones demanding your attention. Motivating yourself to do things you aren’t interested in is SO hard! At times impossible.
Inattention, Focus, and Distractibility
Inattention and distractibility are hallmark symptoms of ADHD. This isn’t just about losing focus occasionally—it’s a chronic issue. Moms with ADHD may find it hard to stay on task, jumping from one activity to another without completing anything. Ever feel like a busy bee trying to get something done, flitting from one undone project to another. Doing a little here and a little there but never really completing any of them? Or sometimes it’s constantly zoning out. Reading a bedtime story, following a conversation with your partner, or even focusing on a TV show can be challenging without zoning out. Forget reading something uninteresting, you wasted an hour rereading the same page and still don’t know what it says.
Impulsivity and Hyperactivity
Impulsivity and hyperactivity in ADHD can present differently in women. While hyperactivity in children or men with ADHD often appears as overt restlessness, in women, it might be more subtle. You might find yourself constantly needing to stimulate your brain or body. This can include fidgeting, such as tapping your toes, bouncing your legs, or playing with objects like pens or your hair. It can also manifest as skin picking, chewing gum frequently, or feeling an internal sense of restlessness. These behaviors are ways to manage the constant need for movement and can be a coping mechanism for dealing with the symptoms of ADHD. Additionally, impulsivity may lead to hasty decisions, interrupting others in conversation, or taking on too many responsibilities at once, making daily life even more challenging. I was constantly interrupting as a child but when my doctor asked me if I did that as an adult when I was getting diagnosed, I said “no” and thought “I am more mature than that now.” Then he asked “what about interrupting in your head while someone talks?” I’m so glad, he thought to ask because THAT I was doing all the time.
Emotional Dysregulation
Emotional dysregulation is a common yet often overlooked symptom of ADHD, particularly in women. This can sometimes lead to misdiagnosis as bipolar disorder due to the intense and fluctuating emotions. Women with ADHD may experience heightened sensitivity to rejection, often referred to as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). This can make even constructive criticism or minor disagreements feel deeply personal and overwhelming. Additionally, seemingly insignificant inconveniences can trigger disproportionate anger or frustration, making it difficult to manage daily stressors. Emotional dysregulation can also manifest as mood swings, where you feel fine one moment and deeply upset the next, without a clear external trigger. This can be exhausting and confusing, both for you and those around you, and often adds to the feelings of inadequacy and frustration. Understanding that these emotional responses are part of ADHD can be a crucial step toward managing them more effectively.
Managing ADHD as a Mother
Managing ADHD involves developing daily habits that help reduce the manifestation of these symptoms. Here are some strategies that can make a significant difference:
- Break Tasks into Smaller Steps: Instead of tackling an entire project, break it down into manageable parts. This reduces overwhelm and helps in maintaining focus. When I’ve tried to tidy up after kids completely destroy a room, I start with one category. If your kids are old enough to help but struggle to clean the room maybe this can help both of you. Pick one category. I usually pick the biggest item first like clothes or stuffies and get those put away first because they’re often hiding other things. Then I go to smaller and smaller things. This leaves little pieces of trash, usually last. Most of the time my kids are burnt out by then so I feel no guilt over throwing away little broken crayons, pieces of cut up paper, the Costco receipt that the door checker drew a smiley face on, etc. straight into the bin.
I have a whole article on this concept called How to Tackle a Messy Room After Procrastinating.
- Use Timers and Alarms: Set reminders for tasks and break work into intervals with scheduled breaks in between. This can help in maintaining focus and productivity. This can get annoying so be picky with your commitments. For the stuff you really can’t miss, set alarms to music that gets your attention but doesn’t annoy you otherwise you’ll ignore it. I used to never look at calendar alerts until my husband put an annoying buzz setting in my calendar notifications. I stopped missing things after that. But it’s really annoying if you have everyday things you don’t actually need reminders of like work or kids going to school. If you don’t need the alarm for it, don’t put it on there! Put on your calendar when you DON’T have those things.
- Create a Routine: Establishing a daily routine can provide structure and make it easier to manage tasks. Consistency helps in reducing the chaos that ADHD often brings. My ability to lose things goes way WAY up right after a move, so find homes for the essentials fast and don’t let yourself put them down until they’re in their homes like your wallet and keys. Eventually most everything in your home should have a place, that’s why decluttering was so essential for my household. Routine helps for much more than just not losing things though. Establishing them is hard but once in place, our brains love it!
- Practice Mindfulness: Techniques like meditation can help in managing impulsivity and emotional dysregulation by promoting a sense of calm and control. I like doing this in the morning and right before bed. As my alarm goes off in the morning I listen to the quiet noises of the house and relish how quiet it is, because it won’t last long. Before bed I do the same, listening to the kids soft breathing, the AC unit outside, if I’m lucky then crickets outside too. This is also a great time to practice affirmations which can help self esteem and any aspect you’re trying to improve in your life.
5. Self-Care: Prioritize self-care to manage stress and emotional dysregulation. This can include exercise, meditation, or hobbies that bring joy. We get out of practice thinking of ourselves as moms but we’re still a person with passions and likes and dislikes and they matter too. When our kids see us taking care of ourselves, they’ll learn to take care of themselves as they grow older. So you need to take care of yourself. This will look different for all of us. For me this looks like going to the gym 3 days a week as much as possible, listening to podcasts while driving with or without the kids in the car as long as it’s appropriate and won’t get them asking questions I’m not ready to answer yet, and hanging out with my friends and playing games like DND or whatever your interest.
- Professional Support: Consider seeking professional help, whether through medication, therapy, or ADHD coaching. These resources can provide personalized strategies and support. Getting diagnosed was the beginning of a new life for me. I worked with my doctor and got on a low dose medication that helps me keep my emotions regulated and helps me focus. I was able to focus for longer spans of time than ever before. It was game changing. I never felt like I was in control of my life until then. I could take little direction in my life because I’d get distracted and forget what direction I was taking. I’m so grateful I sought professional help.
If any of this resonates with you, you are not alone. Many moms with ADHD like us, have similar experiences, and understanding your symptoms is the first step toward managing them. Explore my blog for more tips, share your thoughts in the comments, and connect with me on social media. Together, we can navigate the challenges of ADHD and find effective strategies to live a more organized and fulfilling life.
Take care!
-Micaela Elizabeth